“The mirror stares……watching
At our day to day affairs
Unmindful we pass its presence
Every day of our lives
It minds not at being ignored
Nor at being taken for granted
For it’s actually the other way around
Mocking at the pretense
It seems to laugh
At how all the secrets
Have come tumbling out.”
Reaching the stop just as the bus departs for its destination, Huma mutters under her breath. She has failed to board the bus on time yet again. This has happened for the third time in a week. It would be another twenty minutes before the final bus for the day arrived. Her agitation grew thinking she would be late for dinner that night too. She was getting tired of the cold stares – even colder than the food she had served herself that night.
Designated as a manager in a large company while her husband worked in another in a different city. Huma was stuck in a long-distance relationship. She had put in a request for a transfer about two months before. The endless wait tested her patience. Hoping to relocate to be together again as a single-family unit, the thought kept her preoccupied most days.
Almost a year of multiple attempts at job interviews and the recession in full force, she had managed to secure a position eight months earlier. The euphoria wasn’t long-lived. Regular late hours alongside the responsibilities of a five-year-old, and the added domestic chores, waned her newfound enthusiasm. It did not help matters that she was staying with in-laws. The formality of the arrangement irritated her. She often found herself reminiscing about life before moving to Kolkata – her current city.
Huma boarded the bus packed with the last commuters of the day. Standing for a few seconds at the shut doorway, trying to gather her bearings, she sucked in a deep breath. Relieved that she managed to board on time, Huma heaved a sigh. Instinctively a small prayer escaped her lips even as her eyes rolled upwards. The reverie was broken though by the loud call of the bus conductor. He appeared to be addressing her from the rear end of the bus. “Didi, please come up the aisle and step away from the entrance”. Conscious, as all eyes fell upon her, she blushed at this sudden address to her. Squeezing past the others for a more comfortable position and a firmer foothold, she made her way forward.
Huma constantly challenged herself against getting used to the easier ways of life. The commute to the office on most days by public transport was one of the ways she tested herself, conditioned by her strict middle-class upbringing. She hadn’t brought her car that day too.
The Salt Lake Sector-V area of Huma’s office was located amidst the larger MNCs. Few of them she had either worked for earlier or had attended interviews in her former city. Life now seemed far removed from what she was used to. The twelve to fourteen-hour long weekdays, constant firefighting, end of the day extended team meetings, left her drained and exhausted.
The excitement of her job was wearing off as also her patience with her daughter, Rida. Only moments before she had been informed about working two extended weekends with no week offs. The job left her personal life on perpetual hold. She recalled with dismay of her promise to Rida to the mall for a movie and ice cream and a haircut that Sunday. “Huma, would you come over to the training room? There seems to be a problem with one of the recruits,” the boss beckoned. Pushing the chair against the table, she stood up to smoothen her attire and attend to the summon.
She imagined being greeted warmly at the entrance. An appreciation of her efforts at trying to accommodate everyone in her life. Small gestures that mattered to her – remained desires buried deep within. She was reluctant, almost afraid to address them lest it gave rise to more futile expectations. She learned to keep them suppressed but it made her appear all the more aloof. The urge to hide, to lose herself in some remote corner of the world grew intense. On long weary days, she fantasized about being forgotten; No one calling out to her, needing her or even remembering her. To remain hidden, a strange fantasy began to take root inside her. She began to obsess over it.
Pressing for the calling bell, the scenario began to play out before her like a replay. A less than enthused face let her in. The silent greeting at the door set the tone for the rest of the night.
She seemed to be boarded on a super-fast train. Blankly staring at the fast receding background, at times pausing to ponder over her current status. At other times, she let herself go with the flow. Too tired to attempt any change in the course her life had been set on.
Huma stared outside the large bus window as parts of the city-scape disappeared behind her gradually. A strange reflection on the glass window catches her attention. Its icy stare fixated on her. Uneasy, she draws away from it a little, pretending to get distracted by someone else’s conversation. Sometime later, she is astonished to find the apparition staring back at her in the same manner it had been doing so. Huma stares back at it, intending to perhaps confront it into a retreat. Strangely, it continued its stony stare as if reading her mind. Appearing to execute no emotions nor pay attention to anyone else other than Huma, the apparition makes her shudder with its fixated intention. Helpless, she looks around, hoping for an escape. Unable to break its constant gaze, it appears to pull her even closer in a vice-like grip as if peering right into her soul. Surrendering to this intrusion momentarily, she gathers enough courage to confront the stare once and for all.
What follows next takes her completely by surprise- the stare that she had been fending off was none other than her own. Stunned at this revelation, her pride and confidence lay completely in tatters. Huma stands momentarily frozen. The world around her crumbles, making her vulnerable and cold.
Stumbling, groping around to hold on to someone or something to break her fall. She is amazed at having missed the signs. Exactly, when has it been? This regression into a distant and unfamiliar entity. She felt clueless and lost. Was it six months ago, when she had confronted her husband exchanging intimate messages with his colleague? Or was it before that, when the doctors had informed her that her mother has stage IV cancer?
She thought she was coping well. She had always prided herself on her strengths and capabilities – someone who had surpassed and excelled in her multiple roles. Preferring to hide the pain, realizing she would have to shoulder it alone, she confided in no one. The quintessential confident career women – someone to be envied or emulated. Not letting the mask slip even for a moment. She no longer resembled her former self – a sad and gradual transformation into another shape. A grotesque figure that mocked at her.
The bus screeches to a halt, jerking the passengers forward. Huma jostles for space once again while attempting to make past the crowd of evening commuters. As she alights, the night air is heavy and humid. She is greeted with an occasional cool gust of wind. The leaves fluttering on the trees lining the roadside makes a rustling sound. Most of the shops had already downed their shutters and some were in the process of doing so. The residents had by then retired to the warm, familiar confines of their homes. Huma slowly trudges along the alley leading to her home – dazed, weary and unmindful of the world around. Few of the men chatting on the roadside pavement stare and give her leery looks.
